Attachment Parenting concerns?

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Attachment Parenting concerns?
« on: September 21, 2009, 08:15:16 PM » by andiclare

My SiL is a big proponant of attatchment parenting...Everything from baby-wearing and ecological breastfeeding when my niece was a baby, and "positive discipline" and "non-violent communication"...the latter, for those who don't know, is all about using positive, nurturing words instead of bad negative words like "no." My niece, F., is a very bright and lovely child, but she's spoiled and pretty much runs the household.

Once when we were all out to dinner as a family, my niece kept reaching for my glass because she wanted to play with the straw. It was a heavy glass, not a plaything for a three-year old. I pulled it out of her reach and said "no, F." She froze looked at me stricken, liked I'd slapped her face! I looked at my SiL and she explained that they don't like to use the word "no" with her. Undecided

Anyhow...my point is, I know I can't change my SiL's views and it's her child, her choice. But my fiance and I are going to be starting our family soon and we're going to live near my brother's family, and will probably get all kinds of AP advice. Now my future DH and I are much more traditional types lol. I know just instinctually that this style of parenting isn't reasonable when taken to an extreme and I've seen some negative effects of it with my niece, but I don't know how to verbalize this. Is it really harmful or am I not seeing the full picture?

I really would like to have the full picture. If any of yall have used aspects of AP w/ your kids, and if it's worked, not worked, or you just have some thoughts about it that you wouldn't mind sharing, please reply here and let me know. TIA!

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"The spirit of the world is restless and eager to do all things; leave that spirit alone." St. Vincent de Paul

AP parenting?
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2009, 08:44:21 PM » by mommie

Well, I think there are parts of AP that are WONDERFUL! Babies are meant to be held, loved and cared for deeply. They are meant to CHANGE your life...Not to just fit into your schedule. I think this is a good article on why its important to tend to your children when they cry...http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/
I think they need lots of skin to skin, they need to see the world from your eyes, your pack...not always just being set to play by themselves. BUT that being said. I think there needs to be boundaries for children as well. I introduce a very dear friend of mine's son to the word NO and didn't reallize it was something she had been avoiding all this time. Opps

It funny to me how some parents think I'm such a "bad" mom cause I won't let me kids cry it out in the crib, but I'm willing to fight it out with them over eating their peas while they make them Mac and cheese and hot dogs all the time...and I'm like REALLY? So whatever is convient for you...not what's best for the child?! Children are work, they're sacrifice and I don't think we should always try to make them into these little machines that fit into our lives. YET we need to discipline them. They NEED boundaries. if your daughter is touching something that isn't safe...she needs to be told NO and you need to ENFORCE that. I've seen the NO no thing done well, when the parents are EXTREMELY consistent, I've also seen it turn out horrible!

Its a fine balance I think, but I think there are definately aspects of AP to learn and MANY things to avoid. I don't know if I made any sense, I guess I"m just saying BABY wise parenting SCARES THE TAR out of me. Hold your baby, nurse them, care for them, but don't be afraid to tell them NO and discipline them, don't be afraid to have boundaries, etc. YOur child NEEDS to learn that when you say NO (or whatever word you choose I think that is the easiest one) that they need to stop ASAP or their will be consequences. Otherwise you may be outside and car coming you say NO, STOP to them running out into the street and they either don't know what the word means or have learned not to obey it. That is NOT good. How do you deal with this with your sister? I have friends who do the NO no and I do plenty of NOs, if it gets to the point where you need to sit down and explain to her things about your concerns for you child to have very clear boundaries. Children do much better with clear boundaries. I think she will see a difference. I always tell me friends kids NO even if there moms dont. If they are in my house, i use the word No...so if you would like to stop them first with out using no and that works, GREAT, but if I have to deal with it, I use no...

I don't know I think a good heart to heart convo would be good. I let me friends be free to do what they feel is best, I'm not afriad to share how I feel and basically everyone has to live with the decisions they make. I would do my best not to come across as harsh and rude, but telling her , Hubby and I have prayed about how to raise our kids and this is where we feel God is leading us (and make sure you really do pray about it!

) these are the scriptures we are standing on and we want you to understand we're not angry for raising your child differently, but these are the rules in my home, ... I don't know I'd just chat about it with her,,,,after you have kids.

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Re: Attachment Parenting concerns?
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2009, 09:06:49 PM » by hi_itsgwen

It's great that you and your husband are breeching this topic of conversation before you have kids.

It's really, really important to think a lot about how you guys will operate as a team when that time comes. Parenting starts a lot sooner than discipline does, and the age that you have to start disciplining and training comes WAY sooner than you think it should (6 mos. for my headstrong and smart little whippets.) Grin

I think there are good things about many different parenting approaches, including Baby Wise and Attachment Parenting. There are also scary extremists on both sides. Good parenting means that you are able to glean what works best for your family and baby. Some babies take to the eat-wake-sleep cycle easily, while others are really only happy in arms. Mine hated being held when they were sleepy, and would drift off happily in their bassinet with noise going on all around them.

Whatever way you guys choose, a baby does change everything about your life. My best advice is to just take your relationship with your neice as a guidepost for what you don't want, and start looking for other parent/child relationships around you that you admire. Ask for books, and read up on the stage that you're about to experience from several view points/authors.

It's very overwhelming with your first baby. You'll want to form friendships with experienced Mamas with whom you can ask questions and get advice from when that time comes. You need a network of people who believe in traditional parenting, just like you'll want a doctor who supports you in the type of healthcare that you choose for your baby/babies. But I think it's safe to say that your sister in law will not be on the short list.

I would also not bother stirring the ants nest with her. I think it's probably evident that you don't subscribe to the same parenthood charter that she does. Just keep things friendly and distant enough to ensure good relationships. Wink

If she offers helpful advice (and she won't be the only one...EVERYBODY, including the little old lady behind you in line at the grocery store is going to tell you something about what you are doing wrong or should do), just smile and say something like "I've never thought of it that way." Then do your own thing anyway.

But don't let her taint your water on baby wearing and other AP techniques...just steer closer to the 'normal' zone for AP strategies.

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Re: Attachment Parenting concerns?
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2009, 03:50:00 AM » by chrysalyde

This is probably a question which would have been moved to 7xsunday, but I'm not sure how it works now...

Like the others said, there are good things about different parenting approaches and you need to take what is good and leave the rest. There are also different types of children and they might have different needs.

However, I did want to add one detail that might really affect the choices you make in your parenting. It's a simple question : do you think your child is born a sinner or not ?

Your answer will really influence the way you raise your children. I know a non-christian mother who is very pro AP : in her worldview (and that's what she told me), children are born naturally good. That means she never corrects her kids, she talks things through, always lets them choose what they want, doesn't make them do things (like say hello or thank you), etc. Now, I can learn a lot from her gentleness with her kids, the respect she shows to them etc. but I will not do everything like her because I believe my children are sinners and, if left to themselves, will not make the best choices. They do not know what is best for them and as a parent, I need to guide them towards what is for their own good. (just an exemple : my 5 yo didn't want to go to bed last night but I knew, and his tears were proof of it, that he was exhausted and needed sleep badly -I knew what was best for him, he didn't, and he had to obey. Letting him have his own way would have made all of us miserable because he would have been cranky and overly sensitive)

Now, how all that applies to babies is a whole different matter and I'll agree it's not always easy to know what the right thing to do is... (cosleep or not ? schedule or demand feed ? wear your baby or let her sleep in her bed ? etc etc) I don't think any of that is necessaraly bad, you just have to remember, and keep in mind that you are the parent and you are the one in charge (not the baby).

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